My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
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.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.