wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
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Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
If you’re testing me, we failed.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Wise advice
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?