If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer