I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
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Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.