Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*gets down on one knee*
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops