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*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.