I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
You Might Also Like
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
FRED: right
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it