People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
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Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories