I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍