me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
scares
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money