dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.