I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
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DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!