Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
The Friday File.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.