“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
i meant to share this earlier
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.