Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
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Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.