[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
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If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.