Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
plant them where lol
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila