Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
#Caturday
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
haha same
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.