Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
need him
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.