[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Seas the day!!!!
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..