In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
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Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute