I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
me opening up to someone