No. He’s not coming out to play
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Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00