When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
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[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
quarantine day 3
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock