friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.