Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
fourth time’s the charm
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM