Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
(yawn)
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..