Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
fly smarter, not harder
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*