*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I had to Stop for this
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?