“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.