People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”