I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
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Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,