Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
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My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
(Musicians.)
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.