Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
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If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
A wise man once said nothing.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am