My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.