I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.