When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
marvel comics have peaked
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Not today
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]