I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school