Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If only
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple