My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
What’s so funny?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.