Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??