Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do