It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.