I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
You Might Also Like
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Oh, I bet you would be
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Autocorrect is my menesis
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
📽️movie date🎞️
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!