I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*