*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.