Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.