[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
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My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
😎 🍻
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My neck my back my allergy attack
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok