Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.