[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
You Might Also Like
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
there’s probably a fee though
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!