A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
You Might Also Like
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Cat is stressing him out.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.